youmeltmyhearttostone

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Friday, April 16, 2010

It's a line from Milan Kundera's Immortality:

I have a strong will to love you for eternity.

No, not my tattoo, but if anyone were to have a confession to make

Wouldn't this be suffice enough to say or show how one feels?

I thought it does, and i was empowered by this statement once i saw it.

don't mind having it on my skin

cliche as it sounds

but you were the one i imagined as the person

whom I would have walk down the aisle with

but then again,

certain things can and may just change overnight

whether it's a decision made,

an action,

words,

anything.

These few days,

has not been easy, but less painful as to what I've imagined and expected

because i've come to terms that

it is not because we don't love each other any more that we ended

but it's because of the mutual decision to let go of each other

well, that is in my perspective

but.

some people are still blind sided by their own decision

resulting in me being the one whose faking my feelings all this while,

not loving you enough to wait

and blah

HELLO.

you were the one that told me you're not leaving after i confirmed with you

and i confirmed with you like 2 years ago!?!

which was at the beginning of our relationship

because back then, I already know that I would not

and never would want to enter a long d relationship

which i also told you so

not once. not twice, definitely more than thrice

during this 2 years

and when we continued and grow deeper into our relationship

you tell me another thing?!

you got me believing and now because of your abrupt decision

which I had no part to play in the decision making

when all the while, i was still together with you,

and I'm supposed to just accept and deal with it

just like that?!

wtf?

I'm angry as hell

with myself for being so stupid

crying a whole lot a few months back

because i simply couldn't come to terms with the decision

and suppressing whatever negative feelings i have

so whenever i can't do it any more,

i'm said to be giving you attitude

I'm said to be finding fault with you

no one time did you try to talk to me, comfort me or anything about it

i'm just suppose to accept it

which result in us quarrelling,

forgetting about it the next day (because i'm like that)

and soon the torture cycle would continue (because i can't accept it)

for a guy like you.

are you even worthy of my love?

well of course,

bystanders would say

and even you yourself would say

if you love is so strong, you would wait

F that saying okay

different people have different feelings towards every or any situation

and just so that i don't want to

means i don't love you enough?!

who the f you are to know how i feel

when the feeling is within me

and there is no way you can tell

even by dissecting me

and if you can't tell what's my feeling towards you is like

up till this date

i deserve the right to try and erase them isn't it?

since you don't even freaking understand or am able to acknowledge it

I'm well convinced that things will change

don't ask me why

because if i'm that strongly against this

I must have my own reasons

and i don't see a need to share my personal story with everybody

but to you, if you can't even empathise with me after this 2 years

don't start your nonsensical sayings about everything

it disgusts me, totally.

and why not face it that things have already changed because of your decision

plus mine

of course the changes are a mile stone difference definitely

for every decision

there is a consequence

and for your decision,

my decision,

was it.

and because i respect your decision

because i'm happy that you have a goal for yourself
i try to accept the situation now

and if you can move on with your life

you are able to forget us

do i not deserve the right to do so too!?!!
why am i getting put down with any action that
i'm trying to make myself feel better than worst?!

can't you be happy for me that i don't have to put myself through the torture

of having to accept something that i'm strongly against to?

i'm venting and getting intoxicatedly pissed just thinking about it,

just like the person on the other side of my phone a while ago

i would have gone #&!@(_#*!@)(#(@! ( x a million of other expletives)

if i were that vulgar.

stopping here

because i'm exhausted

oh well, at least i got my pretty clothes
jumps up in joy, clapping.

-ryl